People pleasing impacts the coaching relationship. Many coaches want to please their clients and sometimes their patterns of needing to be liked get in the way of effective coaching. Listen to this podcast episode continuing our series of the Big Five Personality Traits as we discuss the trait of Conscientiousness as it relates to coaching.
If you want to become a life coach and wonder how you can help others, listen to our recent JUNG ON PURPOSE podcast, formerly “Soul Sessions,” to explore how our unique Jungian coaching model is the future of coaching.
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If you are a coach or are receiving coaching, is your people-pleasing pattern getting in the way of a transformation?
Many coaches want to please their clients and make them happy with their service. When their good intentions turn into “over-pleasing” this can cause problems for both the client and the coach.
The following are just some signs of over-pleasing:
- Poor boundaries with your time (always going over the allotted time and allowing clients to book their calls after the contract is over)
- Not having your clients sign a contract
- Not asking direct, challenging questions but smoothing over problems with nurturing words like “everything is going to work out” and have them visualize a positive outcome
- Making changes to your program every time someone complains
- Not charging enough for your coaching and discounting everything with a sliding scale
- Tolerating negative comments from clients or angry outbursts
If you can relate to any of the above, ask yourself how you can change the pattern so you can feel empowered as a coach. Ask yourself how much income are you losing because of your over-pleasing?
People pleasing can hurt both you and your clients as a coach. If you don’t have strong boundaries, your client will think they don’t need to have them in their life. As a role model for your clients, you want to demonstrate the balance between empathy and assertiveness.
In the Big Five Personality Test, one of the traits measured is the level of “Agreeableness.” Join us in our next Soul Sessions Podcast episode, How People Pleasing Impacts the Coaching Relationship as we explore:
- The role of agreeableness in building rapport and trust with clients
- The potential pitfalls of being overly pleasing and how to avoid them
- Balancing empathy with strong boundaries and assertive coaching
- Understanding transference and countertransference in coaching relationships
Here’s a link to find out how you score in the Big Five Personality Test.
Share your comments below!
Note from Debra
In my experience pleasing doesn’t help others, it actually hurts them. So many of my clients in my early career mimicked my pleasing with their clients. They spent hours interacting with emails, going overtime with their sessions, and being afraid to raise their rates.
Another aspect of pleasing if done as a survival mechanism, it cultivates anger and resentment. If you aren’t choosing it but feel pressured to please…well, that isn’t a great way to be.
One of my first shadow work experiences was when I had an angry client and Dr. Rob told me that was my anger. I didn’t even register it consciously. But, when I sat with the reaction to her anger then it arose within me. The insight that of all the pleasing because I FEARED anger from others. What a way to run a business and lead a life in general being so afraid of others’ feelings?
Dealing with pleasing tendencies is not a one-time fix with a technique. You must go deeper to understand the roots and access the archetypal power within you that frees you from the opinions of others. You don’t have to “persona swap” and become difficult and strict but you can evolve your behavior by asking yourself what is the motivation for this pleasing? If it is out of fear, take some time to think about how you can take care of yourself first. This isn’t selfish, it is actually very generous. Other people don’t want to receive from you out of guilt and fear, but out of your pure intention to help.
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TRANSCRIPT
Introduction
Debra:
Hello, and welcome to another episode of Soul Sessions with CreativeMind. I’m Debra Maldonado.
Dr. Rob:
And I’m Dr. Rob. We’re here to bring you another episode in our series on personality, focusing on the Big Five personality traits and the Jungian model as it relates to coaching.
Debra:
We’re exploring whether you have the personality to be a coach and what makes an effective coach. So far, we’ve talked about openness, conscientiousness, and extraversion. If you missed those episodes, definitely go back and listen.
Today we’re on number four of the five: agreeableness.
What Is Agreeableness in Coaching
Debra:
What we’re really asking today is: can you be an empathetic coach while also maintaining strong boundaries and not getting taken advantage of?
Dr. Rob:
That’s the big question.
Debra:
Before we begin, please remember to subscribe to our podcast on Spotify, iTunes, or wherever you listen. And if you’re watching us on YouTube, don’t forget to subscribe to our channel so you don’t miss an episode.
The Benefits of Agreeableness
Debra:
So what does agreeableness have to do with coaching?
Dr. Rob:
Agreeableness helps a coach build rapport and trust with clients, which creates the foundation for meaningful work. It’s necessary. Agreeableness means you’re friendly, open, kind, and easy to talk to. You’re not combative, negative, or constantly arguing.
Debra:
It creates a smooth, supportive connection.
The Dark Side of Agreeableness: People-Pleasing
Debra:
On the flip side, the downside of agreeableness is becoming overly agreeable, the people-pleaser. I see this a lot, especially with women, though men experience it too. Culturally, women are often raised to keep the peace, avoid conflict, and make everyone happy.
This can get in the way of setting boundaries, enforcing rules, challenging clients, and having difficult conversations.
Dr. Rob:
Coaching is about holding people accountable. You have to be able to call clients out and say, “What’s really going on here?” That often means entering uncomfortable or confrontational conversations, not aggressively, but assertively. That’s what clients are paying for.
Coaching vs. Soothing
Debra:
We see this a lot with new coaches. They tend to use soothing instead of coaching, almost like therapy. Many people think coaching is about reassurance: everything will work out.
When I first started coaching, I worked with a lot of single women who were upset they weren’t meeting partners. I spent a lot of time soothing them with reassurance, visualization, and faith.
But when I started doing my own individuation work and holding clients accountable by asking difficult questions, everything changed. They actually started doing better.
Dr. Rob:
Real coaching isn’t about giving advice or having all the answers. It’s about helping clients find their own answers. It’s a collaboration, two minds working together.
Friends and family can offer cheerleading. Coaches hold clients to the fire. That’s where real change happens.
Over-Identifying with Clients
Debra:
I want to talk about over-identifying with clients. What does that mean?
Dr. Rob:
Early in my therapy work, I was so empathetic that I took clients’ problems home with me. Their problems became my problems. That’s over-identification.
Debra:
We teach non-attachment for this reason. When your ego is attached, you ride the emotional roller coaster with your client. When they succeed, you feel successful. When they struggle, you feel like a failure.
Dr. Rob:
That’s exhausting and unsustainable.
Debra:
When I reframed client difficulties as coaching opportunities instead of personal failures, the work became much more effective. Resistance is where the real work is.
Session Frequency and Resistance
Debra:
We also recommend not meeting clients every week. When sessions are too frequent, clients don’t experience resistance. They ride the high.
When there’s space between sessions, resistance shows up, and that’s what clients bring back to work through. That’s where transformation happens.
Responsibility and Results
Debra:
Over-identifying with clients can also make it hard to raise your rates. Coaches feel guilty if clients don’t get results.
But the truth is this: the client is responsible for their results, and the coach is responsible for delivering quality coaching.
You can’t carry the burden of someone else’s transformation.
Dr. Rob:
And you don’t get to take credit for their success either. The client did the work.
Transference and Countertransference
Dr. Rob:
Understanding transference and countertransference is critical.
Transference is what the client projects onto the coach.
Countertransference is how the coach unconsciously reacts to that projection.
If a client projects expectations onto you, seeing you as a parent, rescuer, or authority, that’s valuable information. When handled consciously, it becomes coaching material.
Debra:
Countertransference happens when the coach buys into that projection. For example, if a client sees you as their savior and you unconsciously step into that role.
Dr. Rob:
It can also happen when a client offers criticism and the coach takes it personally, reacts emotionally, and tries to over-please.
How Over-Pleasing Shows Up
Debra:
I used to over-please by constantly changing meditations for clients. One client later said, “You used to make fifty versions just to make everyone happy.”
That’s countertransference, unconsciously reacting from old patterns.
The more individuated a coach is, the less they fall into these traps.
Using Awareness to Help Clients
Dr. Rob:
When you become conscious of your reactions, you can use them as information. You’re experiencing how others might feel interacting with your client.
That allows you to give feedback without judgment, using examples instead of criticism.
Coaches Need Coaches
Debra:
This is essential. If you’re a coach, you need a coach.
You cannot do your personal growth through your clients. Without your own coach, your evolution stalls, and so does your ability to help others.
Dr. Rob:
It also affects your success. If you don’t believe in coaching enough to hire a coach, how can you sell it?
We’ve always had coaches, and we always will.
Final Thoughts on Agreeableness
Debra:
Agreeableness is about balance. Empathy and boundaries. Compassion and accountability. Support and challenge.
As you individuate, difficult conversations may feel awkward or guilt-inducing at first. That discomfort is a sign of growth.
Dr. Rob:
Growth often feels uncomfortable before it feels natural.
What’s Next
Debra:
Next week, we’ll be talking about neuroticism, the fifth of the Big Five.
Dr. Rob:
We’ll see you next week on Soul Sessions.
Debra:
Don’t forget to subscribe on your podcast platform or YouTube. See you soon. Bye-bye.
